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I picked up Melissa and Neil at Lax airport on Saturday (4/19/08) in the rented mini-van and we were ready for our tour of the Pacific Northwest. I had four shows in 4 cities over 5 days. The 1st show was on Tuesday in Ellensburg Washington, we had two days to get there so 1st stop was Portland Oregon.
Neil and I drove through the night and we were in Portland at 9am Sunday morning. Neil and Melissa wanted to spend Sunday and Monday in Portland but after spending a few hours there we decided that one night was fine. I was excited to go to Portland because I had never been there. Nothing special going on in Portland the city is all spread out; the beer (The local brew has double the alcohol content of regular beer, be careful.) was really good and the food excellent. Monday we were off to Seattle, Washington.
It was my first time In Seattle and I didn’t see much of the city except for some bars and restaurants. The beer and food were excellent in Seattle too. If you are in Seattle, then eat the oysters at Etta’s. I slept in while Melissa and Neil explored the city. After they got back it was off to Ellensburg for the 1st stop on the comedy tour.
Ellensburg is a small college town 100 miles east of Seattle. The 1st show was the worst show. The show started with 6 people and 2 of those people were Melissa and Neil. I was pissed over 1000 miles of driving for 4 people. I was paid but I didn’t do this tour for money (After expenses I’m lucky if I broke even.) More people came during my set but I never got into a rhythm and I gave my set a suck minus. I was so angry with myself that I didn’t dance with this girl that tried to dance with me. If I was going to have a shitty set I’m glad it was there because nobody saw it. Next morning it was off to Lewiston Idaho for the second show. (I couldn’t wait for the next show to wash the taste of the 1st show out of my mouth)
Not much to see in Lewiston. The show was in a big sports bar and was packed with over a hundred people. My set was ok (Much better then the night before). Smoking inside is ok in Idaho (You the ho!), which made my mouth and eyes dry. My set was hard work because the people in the back of the bar kept talking and I had to fight to get the audience attention back. It wasn’t a great set but much better then the night before. I went out with a group of people after the show, the people were cool and they kept buying me beer. After Lewiston it was off to Bozeman Montana (My favorite place in the northwest). I was off Thursday night.
Since I was off and it was Melissa and Neil’s last night we had a great time in Bozeman. Neil and I ate mushrooms that I was saving since May for a special occasion and this was it. We walked around town for hours going in and out of bars. It was a great last night with my traveling buddies. Early in the morning I drove Melissa and Neil to the airport it was sad seeing them go. The last two shows I would be by myself. This was my second time in Bozeman I was there in early December and had a great set. I got to the club and the room was full. My set was great and I killed (Best set of the tour). After the show I was hanging with a group of people and after they left I started making out a girl. Things were going cool and I asked her to come back to my room.
Girl “ I don’t do the one night stand thing. And you probably do this all the time (I don’t but I do try).” Me “We don’t have to have sex”. Girl “If I go back to your room we’ll have sex. (Then lets go!)” We continued to make out at the bar. Me “Well can you give me a ride to my hotel (Get her there she’ll change her mind)” Girl “Sure”. In the parking lot of the hotel, Me “ Do you want to come in?” Girl “No”. We started to make out again. Me “Do you want to see my room?(I’m trying everything)” Girl “I’m sorry no” . One last kiss goodnight and that was it. I had to get up early the next day it was a 7 hour drive to the next gig, I got a ride with the other comic.
The last gig was Saturday night in Scobey Montana in northeast Montana 14 miles from Canada. It’s a very small farm town and the best way to describe the place is imagine the hickist place you’ve been to and multiply that by 10. The show was good and the people were cool buying me lots of beer. We left early the next mornig to get back to Bozeman were I left my car. We were back in Bozeman at 2pm. I was in the rent a car and on the road heading to La at 2:30pm(Mt time). I stopped to sleep at Erik’s condo for a few hours and lost $80 playing craps at Whiskey Pete’s(Last casino in Nevada before California). I was in Los Angeles at 12pm(Pacific time)I drove my ass off.

Since I moved into my new place, I have no internet. I would like to write on the site more often but I get online about 2 hours a week. So bad news until I get a new computer, posts will be very infrequent. The new place is working out very nice, it’s good to move out of Hollywood. I still live in La but I’m out of Hollywood, I was a block away from the Chineese theater, it was like living in Times square in NYC. If you have chance go see Harold and Kumar 2. It comes out on the 25th and it was better than the first, I didn’t stop laughing once. My good friend Tarun Shetty took me to see it at a screening and he even said “I wanted to hate the movie but I liked it”. Now if you know Tarun that’s a ringing endorsment. I will try and fix my internet situation asap.

It’s been far too long since my last blog (I hate that word but why fight it) post. Things are finally settling down and I’ve got some time to write. (And I don’t want to write if I’ve got nothing to say) First, I want to say my heart and sympathy go out to my friend Mark, his brother Erik died in a tragic motorcycle accident.
I was looking for a new place and found one. I’m moving this weekend and my new roommate seems cool. I haven’t moved in yet and have 3 jokes about him. My new roommate is gay and black (That’s how I’ll always refer to him). “That’s comedy gold Jerry” I’m going back on the road next month, 4 cities in 5 nights. (Ellensburg, WA, Lewiston, ID, Bozeman, MT and Scobey, MT) My good friend Dave was here last weekend, we stayed in the Post show (I’m house sitting their in NY) estate; watching basketball, smoking weed and making fires.
Adam Sandler came to my show on Sunday night at O Brien’s (Not the first big celebrity to come to a show, Jason Biggs came to a show there a year ago). He didn’t stay for my set his nephew does stand-up comedy and he left after his set. I was supposed to go before his nephew but as soon as the Mc saw Sandler was there he said, “You (Sandler’s nephew) go next, we won’t make Sandler wait”. I guess Sandler will just to wait to see my stand-up.

If you like this you can see all the episodes on youtube, son.

On a rainy night in Los Angeles drinking, weed, and lack of women will lead to the invention of a great game. I was hanging out with my friends (the postshow) at their house in the Hollywood hills and we were tossing a football in their kitchen. Then somebody tries to knock the ball down with a wiffleball (Hank) bat, from that act a new game was born called Hank (In honor of Hank Williams, whose poster must come down during a Hank game.) We came up with a point system, rules and tiebreakers (Heath Ledger, sudden death overtime). We have an official rule book. The game is played by 3 players, two on offense and one on defense. The quarterback must complete 3 consecutive passes before the ball hits the ground or goes out of bounds 3 times. If the defender knocks the ball down 3 times he will receive a point, if not the quarterback will receive a point and receiver will be awarded 2 points. The round is complete when each player has played all 3 positions. If a player has scored a perfect round it’s known as a Clooney (In honor of George Clooney). If the player scores no points in a round it’s a Lyle. The game is 3 rounds and top 2 scores will advance to a 4th round and player with lowest score will be quarterback for both players. If the game is tied after the 4th round then both players will advance to the Heath Ledger sudden death round. During the Heath Ledger sudden death round, the players will take turns receiving and defending (1 and 1) until a player breaks the tie. The game of Hank is HERE!!!

Some of my students started to say Yo’ Momma Jokes and I was inspired to write my own. I wrote about 34 and these are the best ones.

1) Your Mom is so dumb she thought the chemical symbol for iron was I and everyone knows it’s Fe from the Greek.

2) Your Mom is just like France smelly and gets invaded by Germany.

3) Your Mom is so dumb she thought the only difference between a Republican and a Democrat was the line item veto.

4) Your Mom is like Nike; her stuff is made by 8 year old kids in sweatshops and endorsed by athletes.

5) Your Mom is so dumb she thought that Google was the only search engine.

6) Your Mom is like algebra everybody takes it, but nobody likes it.

7) Your Mom is so old she remembers when Italian immigrants were treated like Mexican immigrants are today.

8) Your Mom is like Rudy Giuliani her only glory day was 9/11.

9) Your Mom is so dumb she thought the police would find Biggy and Tupac’s killers.

10) Your Mom is so ugly that she can only do fetish porno.

11) Your Mom is like Paris Hilton everybody has seen her sex tape and she wears stupid sunglasses.

12) Your Mom is like the morning after pill, the religious right, want her banned.

13) Your Mom is so fat, that her liposuction bill was bigger then the GNP (Gross national product) of Chad.

14) Your Mom is so dumb she thought that the Bay of Pigs and Cuban Missile crisis were not related.

15) Your Mom is so dumb she thought that Will Smith and the Fresh Prince were two different people.

16) Your Mom is like Spaghetti; throw her against the wall to see if she is done.